I once heard that St. Patrick was not Irish. Supposedly, he was black and this was to be ironic because stereotypically Irish people are racist.
My mom calls this 'reverse racism'. When she says this, it confuses me.
Racism is prejudice that members of one race are intrinsically superior to members of other races. Being Irish isn't a race, and based on this definition racism can't really be reversed.
I should mention, as an Italian woman, my mother doesn't particularly like Irish people - deeming them stoic overall. She fancies herself a passionate, soulful woman which I don’t disagree with. I do disagree with making declarations on an entire culture based on single interactions. I also think she doesn't really feel this way because is happily married to an Irish man - my father- for 40 years.
My mother also believes she is engaged in an "interracial marriage" because she married an Irish man. Whenever she says this, she uses air quotes.
I do not particularly like St. Patrick's Day.
Historically, St. Patrick's Day has been a catastrophe for me and the people of Throggs Neck - my hometown. One of the kids I went to grammar school got beaten to death at the parade, and people close to me tend to use the holiday as a chance to drink, drive, get arrested, break parole and... Well, I think I used to stay home on St. Patrick's Day just waiting for an awful phone call. Over the years, I learned that a watch pot does not make the water boil any faster, and waiting for bad news is not an efficient use of my time.
When I was underage, liked going to the parade because drinking made me feel badass. Badass was the look I was going for back then. Moreover, while I am still kinda going for that look, nowadays I just don’t want to be hung over at work. It gives me the jitters.
St. Patrick was born in Wales. An Irish Slave kidnapped him as a boy and brought him to Ireland. He was reared in Ireland and brought Catholicism to its people. I have no idea what this has to do with alcohol, except that Catholics have wine at communion. So why aren't people drinking mad vino?
Most of the churches I've been to, don't let the attendees drink the wine. In high school, I decided this was a herpes prevention tactic.
I would say "may the luck of the irish be with you" to end this blog, but I don't know any lucky Irish people - except myboyfriend who gets to live with me.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Cancer
I always hated the "cancer sucks" campaign.
Stubbing your toe sucks; Cancer kills you.
I much prefer something along the lines of (pardon my french) "Cancer's a real dickhead" or, at the very least something more aggressive like "Fuck Cancer".
As I get older, I find the word "dickhead" way more crass than I used to and exceptionally more offensive to my ears.
Some people believe cancer is caused by negative energy or stress. I dont entirely doubt this because stress causes inflammation in the body, and inflammation influences cancer causing genes. That's why aspirin prevents cancer. However, it really breaks my heart when cancer patients choose no medical intervention and go the way of hypnosis and crystals. Cause those people die. Indeed, every now and then you hear a story of someone who laughed their way to health, but those are miracles.
The thing is, miracles are rare; they're special (even the Insane clown posse knows that). So, when it comes to your life and death - the thing that makes you just like everyone else - why would would you gamble? It's like banking on mega millions to pay this month's rent.
Most people who work in cancer hosptials say that they would love to be put out of work by cure; I don't doubt this, but, cmon- losing your job sucks.
Stubbing your toe sucks; Cancer kills you.
I much prefer something along the lines of (pardon my french) "Cancer's a real dickhead" or, at the very least something more aggressive like "Fuck Cancer".
As I get older, I find the word "dickhead" way more crass than I used to and exceptionally more offensive to my ears.
Some people believe cancer is caused by negative energy or stress. I dont entirely doubt this because stress causes inflammation in the body, and inflammation influences cancer causing genes. That's why aspirin prevents cancer. However, it really breaks my heart when cancer patients choose no medical intervention and go the way of hypnosis and crystals. Cause those people die. Indeed, every now and then you hear a story of someone who laughed their way to health, but those are miracles.
The thing is, miracles are rare; they're special (even the Insane clown posse knows that). So, when it comes to your life and death - the thing that makes you just like everyone else - why would would you gamble? It's like banking on mega millions to pay this month's rent.
Most people who work in cancer hosptials say that they would love to be put out of work by cure; I don't doubt this, but, cmon- losing your job sucks.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Jokes
My older sister was exceptionally hilarious. So much so, it made me want to be funny at an age when most girls' goals involved barbie dolls and science fair projects. I still wanted to win the science fair, but I was more concerned with being funny.
During this time, I went through a period wherein my scholastic book orders mainly consisted of fruit scented erasers and joke books. I read these books like they were novels but I never laughed out loud. Eventually, I expanded my repertoire to Bearstein bears and Beverly Clearly but the joke books were a mainstay. In hindsight, I personally would never tell a straight up joke, leading me to believe that jokes and joke books are relics from simpler times.
During this time, I went through a period wherein my scholastic book orders mainly consisted of fruit scented erasers and joke books. I read these books like they were novels but I never laughed out loud. Eventually, I expanded my repertoire to Bearstein bears and Beverly Clearly but the joke books were a mainstay. In hindsight, I personally would never tell a straight up joke, leading me to believe that jokes and joke books are relics from simpler times.
When I was a teenager I hung out at Waterbury park. One summer night, this guy swith a stupid nickname said something funny -- which was rare. Even more rare, it was really funny. Once he realized his success, he went across the park to the older kids and told same joke.
He had a wonky eye and wasn't considered cool. Judging by his sad walk back over to the younger kids, he failed somewhere along the line, i,e, timing, devliery. Jokes are usually better first time around. The older kids were dicks anyway, and probably wouldn't have laughed regardless.
This was the first time, I realized being funny is an important thing people strive for. In conversations as an adult, I feel as though people are attempting humor 90% of the time.
Most of my good friends are really funny. I hope when I die, they roast me.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Elephants
I've been told I have a memory like an elephant. Often, when I creep someone out by recalling some inane detail from yesteryear, I say "yeah, I have a memory like an elephant". I have no idea if this creeps people out less, but its become a compulsion to follow up my recollection with this declaration.
According to a reliable source (google), the elephant’s memory has been greatly exaggerated. Indeed, they remember many things, but the statement, “An elephant never forgets,” is grossly fabricated. People used to think that elephants particularly remembered an injury, but this does not seem to be true either. Well-trained elephants can learn and remember about thirty spoken orders... much like dogs.
In other words, I have been speaking nonsense to compensate for my creepiness.
Irene Karpenko told me a story yesterday wherein a dog and an elephant became best friends. When the dog became ill, the elephant waited outside the hosptial. Fido's release from the hospital in what I presume to be a joyous reunion resulted in the elephant petting the dog with its trunk. Irene said this disturbed her, animails petting each other - like tender humans.
I was more bother by the fact that there is no way this story is true.
A. Wouldn't the hosptial try to get the dog adopted? Why would they just it release into the wild?
B. What kind of hospital lets a elephant just wait outside?
C'mon, get real.
However, it would have been very funny to see an elephant pacing nervously.
According to a reliable source (google), the elephant’s memory has been greatly exaggerated. Indeed, they remember many things, but the statement, “An elephant never forgets,” is grossly fabricated. People used to think that elephants particularly remembered an injury, but this does not seem to be true either. Well-trained elephants can learn and remember about thirty spoken orders... much like dogs.
In other words, I have been speaking nonsense to compensate for my creepiness.
Irene Karpenko told me a story yesterday wherein a dog and an elephant became best friends. When the dog became ill, the elephant waited outside the hosptial. Fido's release from the hospital in what I presume to be a joyous reunion resulted in the elephant petting the dog with its trunk. Irene said this disturbed her, animails petting each other - like tender humans.
I was more bother by the fact that there is no way this story is true.
A. Wouldn't the hosptial try to get the dog adopted? Why would they just it release into the wild?
B. What kind of hospital lets a elephant just wait outside?
C'mon, get real.
However, it would have been very funny to see an elephant pacing nervously.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sweat
"Girl, I'm going to make you sweat; sweat till you can't sweat no more" these are the lyrics of a very popular reggae song. I think its supposed to be a sexy song, but sweating is never sexy. Accordingly, I don't get the success of this song.
I think I have hyperhidrosis.
Hyperhidrosis is a medical condition in which a person sweats excessively and unpredictably. People with hyperhidrosis may sweat even when the temperature is cool or when they are at rest. As I type, my armpits are drenched for no apparent reason. Gross? Oh, I know, but I have to own it otherwise I'll feel bad about myself.
Once at a christmas party, my coworker said "i love that you are so sweaty all the time, and you're just like 'whatevs'" This would have been a insult if I didn't decide years ago to take a stance of power and ownership.
I do, however, wish that stance would make me stop sweating.
Mike Thomas, a chemical engineer and Team Leader for Proctor & Gamble's antiperspirant line, told Sweat Solutions “you wouldn’t have stains if it weren’t for your antiperspirant. Antiperspirants are very acidic and it’s that acidity that causes the colors on your clothes to shift.” He suggests that people apply a thin layer and wait for it to thoroughly dry in order to avoid underarm stains.
If we didn't sweat, we would die. That's pretty dark.
I think I have hyperhidrosis.
Hyperhidrosis is a medical condition in which a person sweats excessively and unpredictably. People with hyperhidrosis may sweat even when the temperature is cool or when they are at rest. As I type, my armpits are drenched for no apparent reason. Gross? Oh, I know, but I have to own it otherwise I'll feel bad about myself.
Once at a christmas party, my coworker said "i love that you are so sweaty all the time, and you're just like 'whatevs'" This would have been a insult if I didn't decide years ago to take a stance of power and ownership.
I do, however, wish that stance would make me stop sweating.
Mike Thomas, a chemical engineer and Team Leader for Proctor & Gamble's antiperspirant line, told Sweat Solutions “you wouldn’t have stains if it weren’t for your antiperspirant. Antiperspirants are very acidic and it’s that acidity that causes the colors on your clothes to shift.” He suggests that people apply a thin layer and wait for it to thoroughly dry in order to avoid underarm stains.
If we didn't sweat, we would die. That's pretty dark.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
I understand that Valentine's Day is a hallmark holiday; I just don't like when people bring it up in a conversation as if they were the first people to come to this conclusion. This is public information and their stance is gratingly insulting.
Sometimes, people who don't celebrate Valentine's Day feel superior to others. As per usual, I feel this is a coping mechanism to mask their pain of being valentine-less...or worse, dating someone who doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. The latter are generally pretty miserable to be around.
Why is cupid an armed and naked baby? Armed and naked are two words you don't see together often. Armed, naked, and baby are even rarer.
I once had a therapist ream me out because she felt I wasn't in touch with how I felt about Valentine's day. The truth was, I had bigger fish to fry that day in therapy and, frankly, I liked Valentine's day. It was perplexing why we were harping on this this banal topic that had nothing to do with what I was there for.
I told her I loved Valentine’s Day, but it seemed she has strong feelings regarding my affection. In hindsight, I don't think she was in touch with how she felt about me liking Valentine's day. In therapy this is called: countertransference. Many seasoned professionals forget they are still susceptible to it.
Why don't anatomical hearts look like the paper heart you see on cards? I'm pretty sure the same goes for stars, though I've never seen one up close.
I like the phrase "love is in the air" because it sounds like a disease you can catch. I think its the best disease to catch even if it makes you temporarily demented and partial to foolish decisions
Sometimes, people who don't celebrate Valentine's Day feel superior to others. As per usual, I feel this is a coping mechanism to mask their pain of being valentine-less...or worse, dating someone who doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. The latter are generally pretty miserable to be around.
Why is cupid an armed and naked baby? Armed and naked are two words you don't see together often. Armed, naked, and baby are even rarer.
I once had a therapist ream me out because she felt I wasn't in touch with how I felt about Valentine's day. The truth was, I had bigger fish to fry that day in therapy and, frankly, I liked Valentine's day. It was perplexing why we were harping on this this banal topic that had nothing to do with what I was there for.
I told her I loved Valentine’s Day, but it seemed she has strong feelings regarding my affection. In hindsight, I don't think she was in touch with how she felt about me liking Valentine's day. In therapy this is called: countertransference. Many seasoned professionals forget they are still susceptible to it.
Why don't anatomical hearts look like the paper heart you see on cards? I'm pretty sure the same goes for stars, though I've never seen one up close.
I like the phrase "love is in the air" because it sounds like a disease you can catch. I think its the best disease to catch even if it makes you temporarily demented and partial to foolish decisions
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dreams
My Aunt Gloria is a beautiful woman. When I was younger, I used to have nightmares that she would touch me and make me old.
I've been afraid of aging for quite some time now.
Every morning, I tell my live in boyfriend my dreams. He isn't a morning person, and this doesn't help matters. His mother also doesn't like when people explain their dreams to her either; I can see where this would get annoying, but I can't stop myself. I have trouble with impulse control.
Ever have someone say to you "guess what I dreamt last night?" My childhood best friend used to do that, and would actually make me guess. "Unicorns?" "No.", "Aliens?", "No!" I never understood where she got off getting frustrated; the subconsciously is limitless.
She was pretty self centered.
Freud believed dreams were attempts to resolve internal conflicts. In summary, if you are able to remember your dream, it signifies that your ego is tolerant of the conflict. This a good thing, otherwise your ego suppresses the conflict.
Too bad, most people aren't trained in dream analysis, because half the time dreams are so convoluted, no one knows what they mean.
A famous (and my favorite) dream analysis case study involved an anorexic who kept dreaming she lived at 180th street. In her waking life, this was not true. It was a recurring dream and the analyst was unaware of her anorexia. In each session, the pt felt compelled to tell the analyst her dream. Eventually, the analyst said to her:
So how long have you been starving yourself.....
1- I
8 - ate
0- nothing.
The analyst's response was the therapy equivalent to “BOOM, ROASTED”.
Ever see Rudy? It's about a boy whose dream of being a football player at Notre Dame comes true. That's a great movie.
I firmly believe that dreams really do come true, but you have to work hard. Hard like Rudy.
I've been afraid of aging for quite some time now.
Every morning, I tell my live in boyfriend my dreams. He isn't a morning person, and this doesn't help matters. His mother also doesn't like when people explain their dreams to her either; I can see where this would get annoying, but I can't stop myself. I have trouble with impulse control.
Ever have someone say to you "guess what I dreamt last night?" My childhood best friend used to do that, and would actually make me guess. "Unicorns?" "No.", "Aliens?", "No!" I never understood where she got off getting frustrated; the subconsciously is limitless.
She was pretty self centered.
Freud believed dreams were attempts to resolve internal conflicts. In summary, if you are able to remember your dream, it signifies that your ego is tolerant of the conflict. This a good thing, otherwise your ego suppresses the conflict.
Too bad, most people aren't trained in dream analysis, because half the time dreams are so convoluted, no one knows what they mean.
A famous (and my favorite) dream analysis case study involved an anorexic who kept dreaming she lived at 180th street. In her waking life, this was not true. It was a recurring dream and the analyst was unaware of her anorexia. In each session, the pt felt compelled to tell the analyst her dream. Eventually, the analyst said to her:
So how long have you been starving yourself.....
1- I
8 - ate
0- nothing.
The analyst's response was the therapy equivalent to “BOOM, ROASTED”.
Ever see Rudy? It's about a boy whose dream of being a football player at Notre Dame comes true. That's a great movie.
I firmly believe that dreams really do come true, but you have to work hard. Hard like Rudy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)